I’m one of the lucky people in this world who has a couple people in my life who ask me what I want for Christmas, and I hope that you are lucky enough to have people in your life who ask you that question too.
But the truth is that I have a natural gas furnace in my house and a reliable car, and I really can’t think of anything else in the world I could want.
I’d say that I want someone else who has no one in their life to be asked what they want for Christmas, but that just sounds arrogant and self-righteous to me, so I usually just ask for mittens.
But there are a few irky things that I hope just might get better over the next year, and I guess I want those things for Christmas. Maybe if you want them too, we can start a movement and get some things done:
1. I want people to stop answering my phone calls with a two-hour barrage of text messages five minutes after I call them. If they’d picked up the phone in the first place, we could have had a nice five-minute long conversation and I could have heard the sweet sound of their voice and have been able to get in my car and drive somewhere that afternoon without worrying about killing some other driver while I’m texting. Wouldn’t that be nice?
2. I want a reasonably priced restaurant, somewhere on the East End, with good home-cooked food and no pretense about being the hip new thing. If it serves grits, that would be even better. If it serves polenta and grits, I’ll be a fan for life.
3. I want all the governments out here to be run by their public works departments. You want something done? Do it. Don’t study it, don’t come up with a ten-year plan, don’t write a grant, just get it done.
4. I want random marching bands to march down the sidewalks of random towns on random days of the year. Because. In their woolen uniforms. Like it used to be. And also it would be awesome if the Neo-Political Cowgirls were dancing alongside them.
5. I want snow. Really. Is that too much to ask for?
6. I want people to stop taking pictures in church. And by people, I mean I want to stop taking pictures in church. It’s not right. Since my childhood church burned down this past March, every time I go back to their services, I can’t stop taking pictures. Tonight, all the North Fork Unitarian Universalists who go to church (and there are many of us who don’t) were at the Jamesport Meeting House for a candlelight service. The candles were all electric so that we would be good and not burn down another church, but the pews were packed with people and, gosh I hope the First Universalist Church of Southold gets a new church for Christmas.
7. While we were at the candlelight service, all the North Fork UUs gave money to a UU church in Texas that was the victim of an arson earlier this month. Yep, people still set fires in churches. Can we find a way to put a stop to that this year? I’d like that.
8. I want every 7-Eleven on the East End to be required to have a vegetable cart outside that sells cabbages and cauliflower and butternut squash, like the 7-Eleven here in Flanders. This is sending an excellent message to the young people in our town. If your town doesn’t already have a 7-Eleven in it, though, I think it would be nice if you just keep the stand-alone vegetable carts you already have by the side of your road.
9. I want to make sure my niece drinks a lot of Coca-Cola tomorrow, because if I’m not being a bad influence on her, I’m not doing my job. And also, Santa drinks Coca-Cola. I saw it on TV.
10. I want an accordion. If you have a spare accordion, private message me and we can work out the details.
Mele Kalikimaka, everybody! I hope you get everything you want for Christmas before we all head down to the ocean in our board shorts. See you on the beach.