Tim Kelly
Tim Kelly

Hey, why so glum, chum?

Leave me alone, will ya?

And why would I ever do that? Wait, are you in one of your grumpy-ass moods – again?

Go away.

Could do that, but…… I’m not going to. Now, what is it this time?

Waddya think?

Oh, I dunno. Wait! Don’t tell me! Your dog died? Nah, that’s not it. You haven’t had a dog in decades. Goldfish go belly-up? Uh-uh. You heard disco’s makin a comeback? Gawd, sure hope not.

Wife leave ya? Um, no, why would she make the move now after putting up with you for sooooo very long? Poor thing might have to break in another mate, and that’s waaaaay to much work.

Your investment in fidget spinners didn’t quite pan out?   


So tell me, how long have you been sitting here, drinking alone? You know that’s unhealthy, Ol’ Chap, right?

As is sitting in close proximity and bugging the hell out of me.

Perhaps. But… Wait! Weren’t you supposed to have a meeting tonight of your presidential exploratory committee? Or was it your exploratory presidential committee? Committee on presidential exploratory? Whatever.

I was. I sent everyone home.

Seriously? Why? Somebody let slip that you’ve got about as much chance of winning as you do of bedding Katy Perry…

Bedding? What is this, 1956?

You know what I mean, but that’s beside the point. While nobody pondered how you might re-carpet the Lincoln Bedroom, we all admire your, um, testicularity in getting out there and making a run in 2020, no matter how symbolic. Although secretly we all hoped you’ll pull off the upset of the millennium and, well, you know, take care of us. Personally, I had my eye on Ambassador to Tahiti.

There is no ambassador to Tahiti.

Really? Damn. Bora Bora?


Crap. I gotta get me an atlas. Anyway, the real question is why are you sitting here crying in your… Hey, Charlie! What’s he drinking? What? Diet Coke? For real? With a slice of lime. What a badass.

Seriously, what’s up with you? I haven’t seen you like this since the Rangers lost to the LA Kings in the Stanley Cup finals of …


OK, but the hockey season ended two months ago. So, what is it now?

Maybe the release of another movie based on the music of ABBA? I know that’s given me the willies.

The Red Sox in first place? Without doubt a veritable crime against humanity. The endless stream of press accounts on Billy Joel concerts at Madison Square Garden? I know, it’s annoying as hell. The real story is, “Old Musician Plays Old Music at Old Arena, Again and Again and Again and Again.” I like Billy Joel, but for Pete’s sake…

Do you remember Beer Nuts?

What? Beer Nuts?

Yeah, Beer Nuts. Peanuts covered in this red shell, kinda sweet and salty at the same time. Now THAT was a bar snack. Not this poor excuse for pretzels. Hey, Charlie! These pretzels come up in a bag found on the Titanic?

Don’t look at me, Charlie. I have no idea what’s goin’ on with him. I gotta say, he’s right about the pretzels, though. Huh? The same to you!

Ok, what’s up? Something’s bugging you, and it’s not just the pretzels. It’s not like you to be sitting here by yourself reminiscing over…

Beer Nuts.

Whatever. What is it? C’mon, spill, Mr. Presidential Candidate.

Don’t call me that. Not anymore.

Stop waltzing me across the dance floor, will ya. What’s going on?

You wanna know what’s going on? I’ll tell ya. Nothing, that’s what. A big, fat, peach basket of absolutely bloody nothing.


I mean, what’s the point? Tell me that, Mr. Ambassador to Anyplace with Topless Women.

Figured that out, did ya? You’re not as dumb as you look.

No, I’m not. Wait, what? Bite me, whydoncha? Lemme ask you this, and let’s go back in time for a minute to…

A time with Beer Nuts?

Uh, maybe. No, remember “Morning in America?”

On Channel 9? Or Was it 5?

Neither, dipwad. Ronald Reagan coined the phrase to convince the country how much better everything was with him in the White House. Was it better for you? I can’t say it was better for me. Then we had George A Thousand Points of Light Bush, Randy Handsy Bill Clinton, George ‘Merica Bush, Barack Intelligent Ineffective Barry Obama and now Donald of Orange Trump. Did any of ‘em better your life, or anyone’s lives?

Um… Uh, hard to say.

You mean impossible to say. The point is, what’s the effing point?

Did, uh, you have a bad acid trip while watching Channel 13 or something? Where’s all this coming from? I mean, that was the rationale for your candidacy, right? That since the big boys ain’t getting the job done, maybe one regular Joe, beholden to no one, could at least step up and inject some truth and common sense into the body politic. Hey, I like the sound of that! Ok, maybe it’s too early to copyright that and it probably won’t find on a bumper sticker, but still…

Pssssst. Charlie. Can you get him something without caffeine or sugar, like water maybe?

And Beer Nuts.

Will you just forget about the Beer Nuts?

Now everybody in Europe hates us. I mean they fly a balloon of the Trump as a crying baby. I didn’t vote for the guy but that pisses me off. Know what? Next time somebody starts bombing your cities don’t bother us, call Vatican City, Lichtenstein or Andorra.

Andorra? Isn’t that a shipwreck?

That’s the Andrea Doria, dumbass. Andorra is a small country between France and Spain.

I really gotta get an atlas.

You know who knows where Andorra is? Tsar Vladimir of Russia, that’s who, as he quietly tries to rebuild the old Soviet Union, by any means necessary, including screwing with our elections. And all the while China is laughing at us as it pursues its stealthy plan for world domination.

Wow, that’s a bit dark, don’t you think so, Chief? If you get elected – I mean, when you get elected – maybe let somebody else take care of the nuclear codes. I’m just sayin’.

Look, what say we get out of this joint?  No offense, Charlie. Well, maybe a little. Your pretzels do suck. How about you and I grab a slice of pizza and then you head home and get a good night sleep? Tomorrow we’ll talk about kickstarting your campaign. Sure, we all still believe in you. Ok, I’ll meet you outside.

Let’s see, Google… Beer Nuts… Hey, Charlie! Look! You can get these on eBay and through Walmart. Just a suggestion from a loyal customer.

Hey, what was that? Can you turn up the TV? FBI: Russians recruited Trump aide. Sheesh. Wait, Russian billionaire paid alleged Russian spy? Good grief.

Ok, next time you see us and the talk turns to news, you say how you’ve researched Beer Nuts and that a shipment is on the way. Wait, why should I split the…? Fine! But I don’t ever want to see another bowl of those pretzels, savvy?

East End Beacon
The East End Beacon is your guide to social and environmental issues, arts & culture on the East End of Long Island.

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